Monday, August 15, 2016

Two Weeks

This post was written Friday, August 5th, 2016, hence the title "Two Weeks".

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Today I drove north on I-65 after a brief visit with my Dad, and as I drove, I couldn't help thinking of the same drive north I took two weeks ago today, after a brief visit with both of my parents. Two weeks ago, I was driving north on I-65 not knowing that I just finished seeing my mom for the last time. 

My mom lost her battle to cancer on Saturday, July 23rd, 2016 surrounded by as many family and friends you could fit into one hospital room.


Two weeks ago, life was normal. I drove to Atmore on Thursday at lunch to spend the night and spend some time with my parents. I went to the grocery store for my mom, I brought nail polish to give her a pedicure, but she laughingly told me she would rather I mopped her floors. So that's what I did. 

When I got home two weeks ago on Friday, I met Derek and a friend at our in-laws for an afternoon of shooting clay birds. Derek and I went out to eat wings afterward where we ate too much and stayed out too late, being that I had to work in the morning.

My dad called my cell phone at 3:30 Saturday morning telling me the ambulance had just pulled out of the driveway to take my mom to the hospital. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't even walk to the car. As I was listening to my dad explain the situation, all I kept thinking was "None of this makes sense, I just left, I just saw her. She was fine when I left. She was fine when I left."

About an hour later, I called back for an update and my dad let me speak to the nurse taking care of her because I would be able to understand her "nurse speak" better than he could. By then, I called my work to say that I wouldn't be there that day but I would probably be there Sunday, even then not realizing the severity of the situation. My mind still saw the woman who hugged me before I left and told me she'd see me Tuesday for her doctor's appointment.

I remember every detail from the moment we arrived to the hospital, to the moment we left, nearly 10 hours later. I remember holding my dad's hand, I remember praying with our preacher. I remember begging God to let my brother making it in time to see her (he didn't), I remember the last time my mom looked at me before she closed her eyes. Those things I will never forget. I will never forget the love I felt that day. I could physically feel it enveloping me, holding me tight and keeping me safe. I could feel God's presence and His love as well. I could never describe in words the moment her soul left her body, but my immediate feeling was one of relief. I know it sounds strange and maybe only those who have held another's hand as they left this earth can understand, but it was such a relief to know that there would be no more pain, no more tests, no more waiting or wondering.

To everyone that called, texted, emailed, sent carrier pigeons, or otherwise offered condolences, prayers, and support, I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart. There were many people whom I did not respond to during the last two weeks, but please know that your words meant so much to me, and I could never thank you enough for sending them.

-----------------------------------

Every day is a struggle, and every day I miss her. Most days her death doesn't feel real to me, it feels like some kind of joke because I can still hear her voice and her laughter. I can still feel her presence and feel the love she had for her family. As of today it has been 24 days without her, it seems like such a long time but really the days are going by so quickly. I will never get over the loss of my mother, but I think that with time I can learn to accept it. 

29 comments:

Melissa Nicole said...

I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry for your loss. My dad lost his battle to cancer in February and it STILL doesn't feel real. The only advice I can even pretend to offer is to always, always remember the good times. It helps so much. My thoughts are with you & your family <3 <3

Janine said...

So sorry for your loss. Wishing you and your family strength during this difficult time.

Kristen @ See You In A Porridge said...

i am so so sorry. hugs xxx

Helene in Between said...

This gave me chills. This is so beautiful and well written. I am thinking of you, more than you know. I want you to know, even though we don't "know" each other I am always here to talk. I don't know what it feel likes to lose one so important in your life but I can only wish you peace and that time will heal this awful sadness. I am so so sorry for your loss.

Amy @ Getz Girl on Fire said...

Oh my goodness . . . my heart goes out to you. I am so very sorry for your loss. What a lovely tribute to you mother. She will live on in your heart forever. Virtual hugs.

Kay said...

I so wish I had the perfect words to say to you, but I'm so, so sorry is going to have to do. Thinking of you and sending all the love!

Lauren said...

So very sorry for your loss - thinking of you and your family!

The Rachael Way said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I had the words to help you heal, but just know I am here and am praying for your family. xx

Cassie Lee @ Sage the Blog said...

I'm just sitting here at work crying for you. I think they're tears of sadness and of joy. Going through a loss recently just makes me feel other's losses so much more deeply, I think. I think it's just beautiful that you were able to be there when your mom took her last breaths and that you were able to feel the comfort of God there with you. That's something I've been feeling a lot of lately too, in a way I never really understood was possible. Sending you love and prayer today, friend.

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. This was a beautiful post <3 I'm so glad she got to see you get married (it's the first thing I think about/worry about myself)

Macy V said...

this post was beautiful and heartbreaking. It's so hard to sit there holding someones hand as their battle ends, but like you said, relief if there as well. I felt that same rush of emotion when my uncle passed away, with all of us surrounding him, after years or fighting. I hope you continue to grow from this everyday and the memory of your mom lives on forever through you. Praying and thinking about you!

Jay T said...

Kalyn, this is beautifully written but I'm so very sorry it was written at all! You and your family are in my prayers.

Lisa @ Naptime Chai said...

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers <3

Jessie Jones said...

Sending love and hugs to you this week!

Brita Long said...

I truly am so so sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling right now. There is small comfort in our faith, and knowing we'll see our mothers again. But it's not the same not having your mother with you now.

I sometimes go back on my Instagram to look at two photos from last year. One is the last photo I shared before my parents told me my mom was entering hospice care. It's like looking at a different woman, someone lighter and more carefree. The other is the last photo I posted before my mom died.

I am still praying for you and your family. <3

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Micaela Vaughan said...

Kalyn, as usual you put into your feelings into words that were truly beautiful. That is a gift. I know the feeling of holding our Mother's hand while they took their last breath. I am proud of you and your faith, keep growing it. That is the only thing that will get you through it. It still doesn't seem real to me either. Know that I love you with all of my heart SweetAngel. And also know that I am here for you anytime you need me.

Musings of a Wanderer said...

Kalyn, I am so very sorry for your loss. I just found your blog & am sending prayers your way. I can't image what you must be going through but this post was beautifully written.

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